When my time comes
forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some
reasons to be missed.
Don’t resent me,
and when you’re feeling empty,
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside
you’ve learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.

I think there are times on your life when you realize things that make you take a step back and get a better view of your life. Call it stupid, but I did it yesterday and had to tell myself some things.

Sometimes I just go through my daily routine, never stopping to think about what I am really doing. I’m thousands of miles from home, doing something I NEVER thought I would see myself doing. I left behind my family, and the closest friends I have ever had in order to create a future for myself. And when I stop to think about it, it makes me sad. Although I know I made a good choice for myself, I hate missing what happens in the lives of those I love. I see my friends suffer from afar, knowing I can’t be there for them like I always was. I can’t watch their backs on those weekends at the bar… I can’t help them fix things on their vehicles or houses like I used to do.. And most of all, I can’t be their shoulder to cry on when they go through the toughest times in life.

I have to consider what this will do to me in the long run. I know I’m not the first person to do this. This is, however, the first time I have done this. Where will I be four years from now? Will I even be around four years from now? When I get deployed, will I be attached to infantry unit or will I be far from the enemy where I will never see the horrible realities of war? Will I return? Will I ever meet someone who will stick with me when I am gone for months on deployments… Someone who can handle the stresses of being a Marine Wife? All of these questions weigh heavily on my mind day in and day out. It may be morbid, but I know these are the realities of the life I chose for myself… And I must live with the consequences.

I don’t know what all this is for, but oh well.. it’s my blog, right? I know the friends I speak of know who they are. I have considered them my brothers for upwards of 14 years… And I hope they know I love them as my brothers. I hope my family will make it through my deployments with as little worry as possible. And I hope I make it through as well.

That’s it for now… I’m sure I’ll think of something else to write soon.

Well, it has been a nice few weeks at home visiting my family and friends. I always have to leave right as I get used to being back in Tulsa. Anyways, I have to say that I have learned a lot.

I know that I have 3 friends who will always be there for me, no matter what. They are willing to go the extra mile to take care of their friends. I have also learned that there are some things, and some people, that I have to leave in my past. But that’s the sad truth in life. Life is never going to go according to plan, and you can’t control how people feel… no matter how much you wish you could.

So I know that things will be different in my future, and when I return to Tulsa in July I won’t let myself fall back into my old habit of trying to win certain people over. It simply isn’t worth it. They will remain, forever, part of my past. But I will miss it dearly.

So now I get to go back and continue my training. I have a great group of Marines there with me and I know I am doing something good for my future. I just wish I more time here with my old friends. That is all.

As I sit on base on this cool November afternoon I can’t help but think about my brothers and sisters overseas doing the nations dirty work. Today must be a very hard day to be away from their families. I know I may not see my family until next year either, but I’m safe here in the states. I hope that everyone takes a moment to think about those serving our great nation, making sacrifices most of us will never understand.

That’s it really… I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you enjoy your time with your loved ones.

Well, I’m sitting outside stealing a wireless signal so I can surf the net for a little while tonight. You see, I haven’t been assigned an official room the the Detachments barracks because we’re still moving people around. I have started my classes now, and I’m anxious to learn more about my target language.

Monterey is AWESOME. It is by no means a large city, but it’s nice. I like that almost everything is small business in downtown Monterey. You have to travel outside to find a mall, target, borders, and stores like that. I am finding the bar scene to be much different from back home in Tulsa. There are a ton of British Pubs here, but I have yet to find an Irish Pub. The civilians around here seem to be indifferent to military personnel, which is nice. Sometimes the locals hate the military personnel stationed there for reasons I don’t know, but I can imagine it is related to our loud personalities.

I don’t have much to say really… My motorcycle will arrive next week so I will get to explore some of the area on my own. The Marines here are a real tight group. There aren’t many of us here, so we have to look out for each other a lot. This place is crawling with Army, Air Force, and Navy…. but the Corps makes up a very, very small portion of the population in comparison to the other branches. This is supposed to provide a good opportunity to hook up with Air Force chicks… but that resource has already been tapped (pardon the pun), seeing as they have the highest percentage of personnel with STD’s on base! I think I’ll have to focus my attention on the civilian population. I have well over a year here, so I better make the best of it.

I hope to have some friends come visit me some time in the next few months. It might be best to wait until the spring or summer so we can enjoy the beach and the other fun activities around here… but this place is fun even when cold. Anyways… I’m going to stop babbling now. I hope everyone is doing well back home… Miss you guys.

White kitchen walls with a thousand windows
you turn on Winston in the den
and I’m still asleep but I can hear the piano
when you make breakfast after 10
and I smell the coffee on your fingers
I still smell the perfume in the bed
the crushed linen roses on everything
and your still inside my head

you gotta make her know how it feels to miss you
let her know your swapping spit
you’re not the one with all the problems no no
she’s the one that’s full of shit

so just pick your head up boys and walk away
walk the coolest walk that you know
cause in a month or two she’ll call you
you gotta hang up the phone

Is it wrong of me to think this is funny?

Check out Postsecret if you don’t know what that picture is from.

I guess I just see relationships in the military as a lost cause for the most part. Sure, there are plenty that work, but a whole hell of a lot that don’t. Meh.

So, I go back Tuesday morning… I’m a little nervous, but mostly sad to be leaving my friends and family once again. I guess I should get used to leaving… but I really don’t want to. I haven’t accomplished everything I wanted to in my time at home, but I have done most of the things I wanted to. I got to see 90% of my friends I wanted to see, I went out with friends to a lot of our old hangouts… and I actually got way too drunk one night. As always there are mistakes and regrets, but I’m not too worried about that. I am really looking forward to getting to Monterey and starting over… I see it as a new challenge and, most of all, a new opportunity for me.

There’s a corner store and a girl I know.
Got a hundred yard stare that says she’s ready to go.
She’s checkin out mother while she’s checkin out me.
And I’m just the kind of guy she shouldn’t see.
‘Cause I’ve got tattooed arms and blue jean clothes,
And I’ve been to places where her friends won’t go.
As we walk down the road I stop and pull her close.
I look in her eyes and see a tear as it slides down her nose.
She shakes her head and I know the time is wrong,
’cause we’re trying to hold on to a love that has gone.
She grabs my arm as I turn to walk away,
but we both know that I can’t stay.

Well, I am sitting here at my old friend Justin’s place waiting for him to get ready for the night. I made it through Marine Corps Recruit Training, A.K.A. “Boot Camp” and graduated on the 31st of August, 3rd BN, Lima Co, Platoon 3245. I feel great about that accomplishment, and look forward to the next step in my training.

I have to report to the School Of Infantry at Camp Pendleton, California on the 11th to start Marine Combat Training. After that I go to my MOS school in Monterey, CA. It should be a great experience for me as I start my new life and my new career. I am going to miss my family and my friends but they all understand that I need to make something of myself and have a good life. I am spending all the time I can in the 10 days I have home with my family and my friends, but it will still end way too soon. I urge anyone who wants to hang out while I am in town to get in touch with me. If you don’t know how, just leave a comment and I will see what email address it came from… and I can give you my cell phone #. I will post up some pictures of how I look now because apparently I changed. I don’t see it but everyone else says I look different. Oh well.

Anyways, I will be adding more updates as time goes by. Probably one last update before I head back for training, then I’ll be able to update some info while I am at my MOS school. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying life as I am. Be safe, and be happy.

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again
Try to stay sober, feels like I’m dying here
I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
’cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here?
And I am aware now of how
every thing’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

Well, the time has come for me to leave. I depart on Sunday for Oklahoma City where I will stay the night at a hotel before going to MEPS on Monday morning. From there I will fly to San Diego in the afternoon, then travel by bus to Marine Corps Recruit Depot (MCRD) Sand Diego that night. From then on, It’s three months of hell. I should graduate on August 31st, and be back in Tulsa on September 1st.

I guess I am in the “nervous stage” before shipping. I am coming to terms with what I have ahead of me. I know that nothing will ever be the same after this. This fall most things will be the same, but in 2 years when I am done with my training in Monterey there is no telling if my best friends will still be around. And after 5 years, if I decide not to re-enlist, I will have to start all over once again. It’s kind of difficult to think about, but I know it is for the best. I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out why I’ve been so stressed, and why I have been so worried about my future. I now understand that things will turn out in the end, no matter what changes. My friends will move on to their careers, as will I… and maybe some day we’ll live close to each other again. If not, then I’m sure we’ll stay in touch as much as possible. The person I thought I needed to stay for will live a good life and will hopefully be happy with their path in life.

“…whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” - Max Ehrmann

No matter how much time it takes, some day things will work out. As it says above.. It may be one day too late, but it’s just as well.

I will miss you all while I am gone. I will write to many of you, and hopefully you will write back if you get the chance. I can’t wait to see you guys again in September. Wish me luck!

Pleasure turns to the pain of the lessons learned from the strain of the questions burned to my brain, about whether love is humane in its touch.
These thoughts are salmon swimming up stream in the tears of your deceit, fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos of our intertwined emotions.
Chaotic because the anchor of arrows has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation.
Separation not as simple as the distance between us, my mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies.
The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared, allowing the faith in us I once sealed inside to gush out like a river.
Ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and brutally as if it were a baby being taken from his mothers arms.
I am left surrounded in darkness but I refuse to be swallowed by it.
My loneliness like the night air invisible to the eye but obvious to the touch in its cold uncomfortableness.
Yet if I could do it all over again I would do it in the same skin I am in.
To lay down and let love die, to stay down and let love lie, no no not I.
I will stay around and let love fly.
Even though I have seen its darkest form, deceit.
Nothing else could be this warm, feel this strong and taste so sweet.

I hope you read that… I really, really do. Read it and put some thought into it.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions the past week. But this poem pretty much sums of my feelings. If you read my last entry you know I had a decision to make regarding my future. I was able to discuss my decision with the subject of my last entry and actually got results. It was the first time in two and a half years that we could be straight forward with each other and be honest about everything… It was quite refreshing. I was given a ‘no’ answer to any possible future between us which, although it came after I had already made my decision, was nice. Honesty was a very refreshing change.

I leave in less than three weeks for boot camp and I have so much to do. I have to clear out my storage unit, see all my friends, and get my bills squared away. I’m nervous, but very excited to start a new life. Not that I will be forgetting those who are in my life now or anything… I just know that in 5 years, there will be very few of my friend still here. I will miss them all very much while I am gone.

So I guess this post was just to give an official update on my decision.

I am leaving.
I will be a United States Marine
I will be back, someday.
And I will have a better life because of my decision to do so.

So, I’ve been lying in my bed trying to sleep for the past three hours with no luck. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can’t get it to slow down. I’ve had an interesting night to say the least.

Read the rest of this entry »

I recently picked up a new toy. I’ve been wanting to get a sport bike for a very long time, but I have never had the means. I decided it was time to do it.

2001 Honda CBR600 F4i
Two Brother’s Carbon Fiber High-mount exhaust
K&N Air Filter
Front Sprocket -1
Corbin front seat
Targa Seat cowl
Custom Under tail LED Taillight w/ integrated signals
Carbon Fiber Clutch and Stator covers

And before anyone asks “why did you get the bike if you are about to leave?” or “what are you going to do with it after you leave?”……

I will ride it as much as possible before I ship to boot camp. After that I will ride it as much as I can during the 10 days leave I have before Marine Combat Training. After that I will be in Monterey, California for Approximately 16 months at the Defense Language Institute. I will have a great area to ride in and will enjoy every bit of it. After that… who knows. I’m going to enjoy it while I’m still around though.

And finally, some pictures.

Desiderata “Things to be Desired”

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann - 1927

That guy had it together.

This is one of my random postings before I go. I have about 70 days left before my civilian life is over and my life in the Marine Corps officially begins. I’m still training every day, and trying to make the most of every minute I have left with my family, friends, and loved ones. I hope you all enjoy Max’s poem as much as I do.

So… It’s only 109 days away.

June 3rd is fast approaching, and I’m not nearly ready…. Mentally or physically. I have been working out mornings with some other Poolees and some Marines awaiting their next assignment, and at night I’ve been working out with my good friends Nick and Casey. I will have to lose at least another 15 pounds in the next 4 months, and that’s while gaining muscle mass. It’s going to be tough, but I’m actually starting to like working out.

Other than getting ready for the Marine Corps, I haven’t been up to much at all. I’m still working at the same shop, and I will soon have another fabrication update. Be ready for a long but hopefully entertaining read, with lots of pictures. I recently made some changes in my life. The most important one is related to drinking. Now, people I know will be amazed by this… but I actually quit drinking. Don’t get too excited, because it was only for a month. But I now limit myself to drinking once a week. Yeah, outrageous.. I know. I started eating healthier as well…. It’s tough because most of the food sucks but oh well.

So that’s all I really have to say. It’s been a pretty damn pointless post but thanks for reading.

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower
about the things you could not show her
And it’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

Today I assisted my friends Nick & Casey in moving into their house. They are both very excited about their new place, and it’s very Read the rest of this entry »

Early last month I went to MEPS in OKC to take my ASVAB and physical. I had told my Marine Corps recruiter that I would not sign open contract, but he sent me anyways. I ended up scoring in the 96th percentile on the ASVAB. After I was done they still tried to get me to sign… but no luck. They weren’t happy with me. I wasn’t happy with them either. I talked to the Air Force about enlisting and got much better info on jobs. This knowledge actually made me want to go back to the Marine Corps office. So I did.

I was waiting for the MOS I wanted (Cryptologic Linguist, DC) to open up and I got a call last night saying there was one spot available. Apparently someone screwed up while waiting to go to boot camp or something.. and lost their spot. I took off last night and drove to OKC to take the DLAB this morning and hopefully secure the job.

First, let me say that the DLAB SUCKS MAJOR DONKEY BALLS!!! I absolutely hated that test! I didn’t believe them when they said it would be the hardest test I ever took. I had to get 100 out of 130, I believe, to be eligible… I got a 125! I have no idea how, but I’m not going to argue.

So I signed for 5 years (plus 3 reserve after), swore in, and now I’m back at home all comfy. I leave for basic June 4th. So I have 5 months to get my silly ass into shape!

So, so you think you can tell…
Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field, from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cold breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year, running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears,
I wish you were here.

I miss…… Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday I went outside
With my momma’s mason jar
Caught a lovely butterfly
When I woke up today
Looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast
Smell you on my hand for days
I can’t wash away your scent
I’m a dog then you’re a bitch
I guess you’re as real as me
Maybe I can live with that
Maybe I need fantasy
Life of chasing butterfly
I’m sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn’t mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want
It slips away
The ghost slips away
I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain’t never coming back
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

Read the rest of this entry »

that someone I know sent this in to PostSecret
Read the rest of this entry »

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head just knowin’ that you were mine, All mine
So if you want to love me, then darlin’ don’t refrain
Or I’ll just end up walkin’ in the cold November rain
I know it’s hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn’t time be out to charm you
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain
I know that you can love me, when there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain

November has held bad memories for me for a while. Once it was a good month, but now it’s a time of year I really dread. Bad things always seem to happen in November…. It’s inevitable. This year has only added to the suckiness of the month. There are 2 dates in November that stick out, and this year the better one was replaced by a much worse memory. I am so glad this month is almost over.

On a lighter note… I should have some big news coming up so be checking back over the next week or two. I hope your November has been better than mine.

Saturday morning I awoke very tired, and very hungover to head out to Dallas. I met Nick at his house, then we went to our friend Andy’s house. Paige met us there and we started our trip. Our main purpose in going to Dallas was to watch T.U. take on M.S.U. in what should have been a great football game.
Read the rest of this entry »

I will miss you when you go
much more than you’ll ever know
But I’ll have a memory to keep you near
In my heart you will remain
but it just won’t be the same
I will miss a million things that make you dear
Your lovely ways make you so sweet
I prayed the angels fair will keep…
your happiness, so you’ll be blessed just as you deserve to be
I wonder why there are so few lovely people like you
My but I will surely miss you when you go

Take whatever opportunity you have to tell the ones you love how you feel. Let them know how much they mean to you. And whatever time you get to spend with them, hold on to those memories as they pass… because you never know when you will find yourself without their presence in this world.

A little while back a friend of mine wanted to do something special for his younger brother who started at Oklahoma State University in August. So what better to do for a new college student than to encourage massive drinking?!?!?! He decided to build him a kegerator. He luckily came across a fridge for free and just needed the kegerator setup. He ordered the kit from a website but really wanted to make it special. So he came to me. I found a high resolution image of Cowboy Pete and very slowly converted it into something we could cut out on the plasma cutter at work. I cut it out of 20 guage mild steel and he took it back home to finish it up. I thought he was going to paint the fridge orange and the metal black, but he did something a bit better. Click the ‘read more’ link to see the pictures.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve learned a lot from all these break-ups and make-ups,
and fuck-ups and fake-ups
Things that I wish you could comprehend.
But for now I’ll lace up my wingtip shoes, boys
and I’ll go and have breakfast with my good friends.

I haven’t posted anything in a while but I guess I’ll do an update in case anyone besides Justin and Nick read this.

I’m still working at the shop. We’re trying to finish up a final project before we close down. After that it will be more of a hobby thing. I am trying to find another job right now so hopefully i will soon. Not much else is new in my life. Kinda boring huh? Anyways, I’ll leave you with something funny… At least it was to me.

Most of you have seen that I have my favorite quotes randomly appearing on my main page. Most of these really mean something to me, or they are either somewhat profound or humorous. These usually help to put me in a good mood or at least put my feelings in perspective.

Example 1: “A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” -Johann Wolfgang Goethe

When I start seeing all the bad things in the world and start feeling like people are vicious, this tells me to look to myself to see what’s really pissing me off!

Example 2: “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.” Virginia Satir

This reminds me that although things may not go the way I would like, there are always ways to handle problems that make the situation better. There just isn’t some way that things are SUPPOSED to go.. At least in my opinion.

Of course there are many others, I have 25-30 that cycle. I want to add more! So post up your favorite quote(s) and who the original author is. I want anyone who reads this to post up, no matter how insignificant you may think the quote will be to someone else… You never know, it may mean more to someone than you think.

Earlier this afternoon I opened up firefox and waited a moment for my customized google home page to load. After loading I somehow accidentally clicked on “Add Tab” at the top. I saw a new screen pop up and thought “hmmm, wonder what a new tab would look like, or allow me to do” so I typed in “adfsd” and clicked ‘ok’ or whatever option it gives you. I then quickly decided I didn’t need an extra tab sitting there… staring, sitting, mocking me…

Anyways, I then looked for a way to delete it. And I continued to look for a way to delete it. Once again the tab mocked me… Bastard. I am still looking for a way to delete the tab and it is still mocking me, repeatedly. So I have been clicking everywhere in a frenzy hoping I will accidentally click the right place and send that damn tab into oblivion, never to be seen again. But thus far, I have had no success… Just some really strange things appearing on my homepage.

Now really, I’m not that stupid… I’m not clicking around randomly but I really can’t seem to find out how to delete the tab from my homepage. I may just decide I should give up and then proceed to shove steroids down my homepages’ throat and switch over to Netvibes.

Can anyone help a brother out?

I spent this evening with my two best friends in the universe, Justin and Nick watching football and working on their computers. It was actually quite fun just sitting around griping at each other about how we were working on the different parts. I came home kinda late after Justin went to bed, and Nick started working on home work. I was in the mood to listen to some music. I started picking out random songs and noticed I was apparently in the mood for some ‘feel-good’ songs. I decided to put together a list of songs that make me just plain feel good, and make me want to be with people I care about. So here it goes in no particular order.

Read the rest of this entry »

I am so incredibly bored right now. I am watching “Troy” for the billionth time on tv and surfing the same pages over and over. I am not sure how many times I can repeatedly cycle through visiting my home page to check on my friends blogs, to myspace, to facebook, to my forums and back again without going insane. There is nothing going on. My friends are going to the fair apparently, but that definitely does not interest me in the slightest. Every time I visit the fair I want to choke the hell out of the little gangster wannabe idiots with their pants around their knees. It’s not good. I honestly wouldn’t mind going with them today because there wouldn’t be so many idiots until later tonight… but I am completely broke. I don’t think I can even afford to get in the gate… much less eat anything. with my boss being out of town and everything done at the shop I have no source of income for another week or so. It pretty much sucks. I think I’ll sit here, refresh pages, and wait until night time rolls around and they are back from the fair. Maybe I can convince my friends to have a cookout tonight instead of going out and drinking again. I simply can’t take another night of it. I know I’m not going to get any amusement from this post since as of my last tally i had…… 3 readers? one is busy, one is at the fair, and I have no idea if the 3rd still reads…. maybe I’ll go rent a movie or something.

I was notified earlier this day by my good friend Justin Shattuck that he had finished his latest wordpress theme. I checked it out immediately and was very pleased with what I saw. Gray Incite is a theme created to remedy many of the problems commonly seen in the majority of publicly released Wordpress themes. By cleanly separating the banner image, Gray Incite allows the user to incorperate his or her desired image easily into the page. If you have ever used a Wordpress theme produced by someone else you will understand how great this feature is. Justin Shattuck did a great job of keeping the entire presentation very simple, but aesthetically pleasing in every way. I encourage anyone looking for an example of a great wordpress theme to check out Gray Incite by Justin Shattuck

I’ve been kind of stressed lately with news that the shop I am working at will be closing soon and the wonderul joys of single life. I really needed to get my mind off things. There was an event in Disney Oklahoma this weekend so I decided to go out there and enjoy myself. I hadn’t been wheeling in my own jeep in over a year and it was driving me nuts. I got to take my older brother David with me which made it all the better. We left Friday night and took his Boxer, Meshach, with us on the trip. We had a great time night-wheeling friday with a few guys from my group and then had the worst time trying to sleep. It rained so hard around 2AM (right when we were going to bed) that I didn’t sleep more than an hour or two all night.

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This past weekend I attended a woods race compeition in Salem Missouri to help judge. I have judged a few rock crawling competitions in the past so a woods race was something quite different for me. It was actually quite easy. Some of the courses were entirely visible to spectators while many of them were several miles long and out of view. This made my job quite easy because all I had to do was start the clock when the driver and spotter took off and wait for them to return. I still enjoyed the competition even though I wasn’t right in the middle of the action like in rock crawling. After the competition I went night wheeling with one of the competitors and the owner of the park for a few hours. We started around 7:30 PM and came back to camp at 1:30 AM. I then made a 5 hour drive back to Tulsa. With stopping to get food, and to sleep for half an hour because I almost went off the road I got home at 9 AM. I didn’t have time to take any pictures this time around but I have a few videos. The links will be at the end of this post.

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Just a week after the W.E.ROCK Eastern Finals in Hannibal, Missouri we returned for the third of four competitions making up the RROCK series. Team Rock Assualt made up of driver Bill Bailey and spotter Jason “Tolly” Tollison was fighting to keep in the top 3 in the series. I attended as a competitor this time around. Travis Waldher of Team Rockwild needed a spotter as his spotter had been injured a few weeks before the competition. I volunteered to help out and do the best I could. Travis has a Toyota truck which is much longer than any other vehicle in our class. This makes it much harder to navigate the tight turns and complete the course with no penalties. Helping Travis meant I had to compete against my friends but I did it anyways!
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The weekend of August 12th and 13th I attended the W.E.ROCK Eastern Finals in Hannibal, Missouri. The “Hannibal Rocks” site was a brand new site developed in less than a month by the people at Rockport Offroad Park where I have previously attended events. Hannibal Rocks is an abandoned rock quarry so it is the perfect place for rock crawling. My friends Bill Bailey and Jason “Tolly” Tollison were Competing once again in the stock modified class. Placing in the top 3 in this class at this event meant a trip to Dallas the weekend of September 23rd for the W.E.ROCK National Championships. Team Rock Assault had some trouble on the first day breaking a front axle early on one of the first curses.
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Well, tonight I spoke briefly to Justin and he informed me I was better off giving up on my old theme and going with something different. He rattled off something about it not parsing correctly or something but all I heard was ‘makeover’. I decided to change things up a bit. I hope you guys enjoy the new layout. It isn’t working quite right in Internet Explorer but I’ll try to fix that soon. Back-issue stories coming soon.

As you can see my site is not working properly. The content is still here but none of the layout. I have been reading up on some stuff and snooping around in my theme to try to find anything but thus far I have not been successful. I have about 4 entries stored up from some trips and competitions but I don’t want to post them until I have things working right. I will try to figure out what’s wrong in the next week but I don’t know if I will have any luck. I don’t do this web design crap anymore.

Yeah, I know it’s not Thanksgiving, or even November for that matter, but I don’t care. For some reason I was thinking tonight about my true friends. You’ve probably heard the saying: “friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.” Well, I don’t think I’ll ever need to move a body but I have 2 friends like that. Through the good and bad times, my ups and my downs… two guys have stuck with me no matter what. I would like to thank my best friends Nick and Justin for sticking with me for over 9 years (almost 11 for Nick).

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Last night I joined Justin, Nick, and Carmen at Fox & Hound for 35 cent wings and a few drinks. It was fun to hang out with my two best friends and just B.S. about anything and everything. Justin remarked “these things are so unhealthy”, referring to the wings. I jokingly said “I don’t care… remember? I’m trying to die before age 30!” Justin replied with “Yeah, I read.” This kind of made me wonder and I realized that my last entry was not worded very well so I would like to clarify my statements.

I did not post my last blog entry stating I was on a mission to kill myself before age 30 be it by unhealthy living or dangerous activities. I actually meant that the next 7 years would be interesting because in that time I have to realize where my life will be going after age 30. I know I’ll probably live longer than that, but it’s just hard to see what will have happened to my life by that time. I hope that clears things up a bit.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know I have found something I am happy doing… But I am not truly happy. Have you ever felt like you won’t be alive after a certain age? I have started to think I won’t live past 30 for some reason. Not because of some suicidal tendancies or any stupid crap like that, but because of the things I want to do… and I can’t see any future beyond the next few years. I think the next 7 (maybe more, maybe less) years are going to be pretty exciting. I have decided to live each day like it is my last on this earth and not let anything pass me by. Life is too short to sweat the small things and the things small people do. I’m not going to live in fear of what might happen, I will find what will make me truly happy, or die trying.

I know I don’t have many readers left these days but I would like for those that do read to please post a response. If you have nothing to say at least say “I read”. I know for sure that there is one person who reads who does not post up. If you don’t want to post to the public that you read then at least click on contact and email me. Whatever beef you think you have with me because of a mutual mistake we both made, you need to squash it. Who cares what happened in the past. I know some will look down on me because of this post but I don’t care… I have decided what to do with my life and it’s going to be fun. That’s it. Signing off.

So I was sitting in my room all dressed up to go out tonight (which never happened) and I ran out of people to talk to and websites to surf. I was watching Miami Ink on TLC and I suddenly started getting verses in my head. I siezed the moment and keyed them into notepad as not to lose them like I do my other ideas. So here it goes. I’ll keep the meanings to myself and you can let it mean whatever you want it to.

Heart Divided

if only it were a dream
and I could awake from this sad scene
I would live a better life
see the signs and what they mean

I hope love will be the answer
to the things left undecided
but it’s hard to heal your soul
when your heart is so divided.

I finally had a little time off from work as my boss was out of town. Thursday night started the festivities as Justin returned from Japan. Nick, Justin, Casey and I went out to celebrate (I think.. the weekend is a blur). All I remember is standing on top of my Jeep in front of Nick and Justin’s house, relieving myself over the hood onto the winch….. don’t ask me why.

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Won’t somebody come along,
And teach me how to keep it alive…
To survive.
Come along and show me something
That I never knew in your eyes,
Take away the tourniquet.

I used to be so full of my confidence,
I used to know just what I wanted and just where to go.
More than ever I could use a coincidence,
But now I walk alone and talk about her when I know.

Later on I’ll cut you off
When your screaming into the phone.
Hard to own
Anyway I want to let you know
That everything is on hold,
What’cha gonna do to me?

You use to be so warm and affectionate.
All the little things I use to hear my fairy say.
But now your quick to give me the old regret.
I’ll take a fall and now you got to give it all away.

Hey, what would you say if I stayed?
Stay for a while if I may.
Say it again and I’ll come around,
But not for the last time.
Hey, what would you say if I changed?
Changed everything with my name?
Play it again and I’ll come around, come around,
But not for the last time, not for the last time.

Hey, oh yeah, how long?
I guess you gotta walk away.
Hey, oh yeah, so long.
What’cha gonna do today?

Well, work is still going good. Not being as busy gives me time to think and thinking is bad for me. I try not to let it get me down though. I have had very little time to hang out with my friends, but I do when I get an opportunity. Last night I went to the gym again with Nick and Casey after going on a hiatus for about a month. Sadly I couldn’t lift anything with my arms because of my broken finger. I hope to get back into working out as soon as my hand heals up.. It just doesn’t seem worth it right now.

Things went south pretty rapidly with my ex about 3 weeks ago. I had always thought we would stay friends since we were such good friends for so many years before our relationship… but it appears that I was wrong. She found someone new, which is great… but now she is moving away but hasn’t told me where yet…. kind of interesting. She’s happy now, and that’s all we can hope for, right?

I’ve been having fun being single, not worrying about someone else, hanging out with friends, but on occasion it’s a lonely life. Maybe I’ll meet someone soon, but maybe it’s not the right time right now. I have a lot of things to accomplish in my life over the next few years and fate may wait until I’m done with that before something better comes along.

I recently launched a new category which will probably be changed due to demand from readers. I will be more technical in future posts, and I will try to take more pictures to show the processes. I guess that’s all for now. I hope everyone is doing well.

I finally got around to starting the Fabrication category here on Hooked On Fonix. It will be comprised of the projects I am working on at work, mainly after they are complete as to not drag them out over several posts. Here is the first of this new category!

We received a call from a gentleman with a 1974 Ford Bronco that he wanted us to do some work on. He wanted a roll cage to protect his family when cruising around town and the occasional mild offroading. We picked the vehicle up and brought it to the shop.
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This past weekend I took a trip with my boss and his teammate to a rock crawling competition in Rockport Illinois. RROCK is a series of competitions at Rockport Offroad Park (R.O.R.P.) where competitors from three different classes (Stock-Modified, Legends, & Super-Modified) compete on courses designed to stretch each class to it’s limits. We started early Friday morning heading to our drivers house. We met Bill at his home in Owasso, Oklahoma and loaded up the trailer.
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walked away,
heard them say,
poison hearts will never change
walk away again
turned away in disgrace
felt the chill upon my face
cooling from within
hard to notice
gleaming from the sky
when you’re staring at the cracks
hard to notice
what is passing by
with eyes low…
walked away
heard them say
poison hearts will never change
walk away again
all the cracks they lead right to me
and all the cracks will crawl right through me
and they’ll part
As I walk away again

I’ll explain the lyrics later in this entry.

You all know I changed jobs a short time ago… But I have to say, I’m loving it. We are very busy right now which means lots of money, and it’s only going to get better. We are currently doing a big job on a 1974 Ford Bronco where we are repairing some frame rot, replacing the floor of the rear section, and doing some body work to the rocker panels under the doors. After that job is complete we have a CJ-7 to do a quick transmission/transfercase installation on, then a YJ to finish some suspension work on.. After that it gets good. There is a huge job with an old CJ-5 which will get some huge Rockwell axles, a 4-link suspension, some possible cage work, bumper work, and skid plate for the under-side. This build will probably take a month to complete due to the complexity of all the components. I will start a new category for my blog so I can put pictures and info on here for those who are interested to read.

Click the link to read more… I have much more to say.
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Have you ever been so lonely,
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me,
And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.
Have a look inside.

It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I’m empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.

I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It’s sweetly falling in tune.
I’m gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor,
and crawl to my room.
The thought of ending it soon…
Just let me sleep in my room.

Hear me cry! cry! cry!
I hear a knock at the front door.
Don’t come in!
I try to look at you
But I can’t stop shaking.
Leave me alone. Just go away.
Mother I’m so scared.

Empty bed and all of the sheets are gone,
They’re wrapped around me and you.
All is quiet but the drop of a gun.
I want to belong…to someone…
But maybe life’s not for everyone.

I quit my job today. I know, that’s a great way to start an entry, huh? I have been very unhappy doing what I’ve been doing so I needed a change. I was sick today so I stayed home from work and at about 5:30 a friend of mine asked me to come work with him at his shop. He does custom fabrication and automotive work and that is what I have been thinking about doing for a while. I’ll get to work in a very relaxed environment with friends, drink a little beer sometimes, learn to weld a bit better, and get to work on my jeep some too. I’ll be taking home more than I am currently, but I’ll be working my ass off for it. All in all it sounds like it will be a great deal. I start in the morning.
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Well, Monday was Memorial Day but I still had to work. I was lucky enough to get out early so I could enjoy spending the day with friends. I went to Nick and Justin’s house in the afternoon and helped prepare for our cookout. Casey, Gonzalez, Nick and I got the grill ready and prepared the food. Read the rest of this entry »

I hope she knows I got this memory
that won’t ever seem to break or bend
a thick lock and sheetrock is on my windows in the kitchen
I dont think I’ll ever take them down again

and I’ve learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups
and fuck ups and fake ups
things that I wish you could comprehend, yeah comprehend
but for now I’ll lace up these wingtip shoes, boys
and I’ll go and have breakfast with my good friends

Well, tonight I found out that my ex decided to end things with the guy she has been seeing for the past year and a half or so (since 2 days after she left me). I understand that she is upset about it and I really hate to know that she hurts. She is really broken up about it, and I just have to wonder what makes it so hard to leave him and what made it so easy to leave me? Now, her response would be that she had been thinking about leaving me for a few months… but I know she’s been talking about ending it with him for close to 9 months. Read the rest of this entry »

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say you that you love me just to put in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space?

I’m sober now for 3 whole months
it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart
is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you
for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away
that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart
to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m slipping back into negativity, but trying my best not to. I am back and forth with liking my job, and absolutely hating it. I am so tired of being on the phones it makes me sick… but It’s hard to find a job that pays that well, and has the hours I want. I’ve been hanging out with Nick a lot lately, and sometimes Justin too, which has been a ton of fun. Read the rest of this entry »

The time has come to say goodbye,
We’ve shared great memories, you and I.
My heart is heavy as I leave your side.
Remember me fondly, like a friend who died.
And so I bid you a loving farewell,
Don’t wait for me here, I’ll see you in Hell.

I’ll never understand some people. I fail to comprehend what makes people do some of the things they do. Some people will intentionally hurt other people for their own gain, and not think twice about it. Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight my old best friend Doug came into town. He lives in Olathe Kansas and hasn’t been down here in quite a long time. I managed to see him during my trip to Kansas City with Justin a few months back. His brother came and so did mine (David was Doug’s older brothers’ best friend) and we had a great time. The Usual Suspects were playing at the 71st St. Depot so we listened to them, caught up on current events, and remembered the good old times. After the night at the bar was over Justin and I decided to venture to IHOP at 71st and Garnett for some coffee and food. Read the rest of this entry »

I know that hearts were loving long before I was here,
and I’m not the first to ever cry in my bed or in my beer.
There were songs before there was radio
of love that stays and love that goes
they were writing melancholy tunes and tearful words that rhyme,
before my time, before my time.

There were songs in old dusty books of love that’s always been,
sweet lovers in their glory who are now gone with the wind.
Old fashioned love words spoken then,
keep coming back around again.
nothing’s changed except the names, their love burns just like mine,
before my time, before my time.

And in the dim of yesterday
I can clearly see
that flesh and blood cried out to someone
as it does in me.
And there was some old song that said, I love you till I die,
before my time, before my time.

But what the old time masters had, is what I feel for you,
love is love and doesn’t change in a century or two.
If someway they had seen and knew
how it would be for me and you
they’d wish for love like yours and they would wish for love like mine,
before my time, before my time.

All is well in my life it seems. I still don’t know where I’m going but I have come to accept some things. The semester is coming to a close and it seems I may have managed to screw up some classes again. I can’t say I’m ok with this, but there’s no way I can change it at this point. I’ll probably be taking a semester off from school to try to figure some things out in my life. I know it isn’t the greatest idea seeing that I am going to be turning 23 this summer and have yet to complete a 2-year college (insert roll eyes smiley here).

I have always told myself and others that I will be very successful in a professional business world and make plenty of money… That I would be able to raise a family in a comfortable life style, etc. I have started to realize that being in the normal business world that most people are in won’t make me happy… And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Being happy? I am starting to think I am going to be more satisfied in life if I’m working in a field that won’t be bringing in the big bucks. Not because of the lack of money, but because the things I enjoy in life aren’t really big money industries. I enjoy working with my hands, on cars, and fabricating. I don’t want to be a mechanic, though people seem to think it would be right for me. I think I will only be happy if I’m my own boss, or leading a small business with a trusted friend/friends. I think I will end up getting by with what I have, and making my way through life being very dedicated to something I love. I know that me not being 100% assured of my financial stability will almost definitely eliminate the possibility of a life with Michelle, but I have accepted that. Some people want to have assurance that their future will happen, to a certain extent, the way they plan it… But I can’t offer that to her. Now, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. She wants certain things in life, and so do I. Our goals are very similar, but our avenues to reach the goals apparently are not. These differences will pretty much negate any efforts I may put forth to patch up our relationship and rekindle what we once had.

So once I can finally come to terms with the end of that time in my life, I think I can find some direction in my life. So things are looking up. No I’m not dating the friend I met at work, but I did at least find a new friend with whom I can enjoy spending time with. I have a feeling the rest of 2006 will most defintely help determine what path I take in life… I hope it’s the right one for me.

P.S. - In regards to the quoted text at the beginning… I’ve been told I’m ahead of my time in regards to what I want in a relationship. Where most people my age are partying, living the wild life, and loving it, I want to start settling down. Now I’m not saying everyone my age is like that, just most. It has been said that most people don’t want what I want in life until they’re 25-30…. So maybe I am ahead of my time…….. Who knows?

Now I’m of consenting age
to be forgetting you in a cabaret
Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name

As she sheds her skin on stage
I’m seated and sweating to a dance song on the club’s P.A.
The strip joint veteran sweeps you away
Smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri

And isn’t this exactly where you’d like me
I’m exactly where you’d like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Well I’m afraid that I
Well, I may have faked it and
I wouldn’t be caught dead in this place

It’s amazing what can take your mind off of the thing that bothers you most in life. I have been very busy at work lately, and I haven’t really had time to think about a certain someone. I found that I have been pretty much happy because I don’t have time to dwell on the past like I normally do. I also even met someone at work, she seems pretty cool. I’m not really thinking it’s going to go anywhere, but we’re hanging out tomorrow night so we’ll see what’s up.

I am still in training at work right now. I have two more weeks in the classroom after this week, then 2 more taking calls as part of training, then I’ll be out on my team. It’s going well. I start to learn the tech part of my job next week, so I’ll be comfortable in that sense again. So now I have to get some homework done for school, write an essay, etc. I’ll update again sometime this week.

So it’s 41 degrees outside. Well…. my hands aren’t working properly. I just drove home from T.U. and I am glad to be alive. See, I took the top off my jeep the other day to enjoy the weather… Lets just say the weather is good during the day. I am pretty much frozen solid. I think 41 degrees at 75MPH = negative 200 wind chill. That’s enough for me.

Today my friends Jason and Dana got married. I was an usher in their wedding so I missed the Lambda Chi Alhpa volley ball tournament and Luau. I showed up at the end but was able to come back later and party. Let’s just say I partied a little hard. I flirted, danced, and had a great time though. I kind of miss my old life sometimes but I know that it won’t be back. That chapter of my life is over and maybe a similar, but much better, chapter will happen some day. I met some new girls, got acquainted with some of the Lambda Chi brothers that I hadn’t previously hung out with much, and danced my butt off! My thighs are so sore! Tomorrow will be a busy day. I am moving stuff for my brother, maybe changing the oil in a friends car, and making/putting on fenders for my jeep. It will be fun.

later

Drink down that gin and kerosene,
and come spit on bridges with me.
Just to keep us warm.

Then light a match to leave me be.
Light a match to leave, me be.
And I keep my jealousy close,
’cause it’s all mine.
And if you say this makes you happy,
then I’m not the only lying.

Keep quiet,
nothing comes as easy as you.
Can I lay - in your bed - all day?
I’ll be your best kept secret
and your biggest mistake.
The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday.

I absolutely love music. It’s not like it’s anything new to me but I’ve just noticed it more recently. The songs I choose to listen to pretty much make or break my day. I keep a fairly large collection on 3 separate mp3 CD’s in my jeep so I have songs for pretty much every mood. Today I’ve been listening to a little Fall Out Boy and James Blunt again. It’s been a pretty good day. I like a lot of songs that most people don’t because I don’t realy focus on the tune, but the lyrics (but a catchy tune is a catchy tune, as long as the lyrics aren’t totally absurd, ie. “I’m in love with a stripper”). Molly and I had a conversation some time ago when we were getting to know each other about how most people just like the sound of the song they’re listening to. She and I seem to both listen mainly for what the artist says in the song. Now I’m not saying this a rare thing, but the majority of people don’t seem to care what the lyrics mean, just that they rhyme or go with a good beat (rap for example :rolleyes: ). I get more out of the songs if I can somehow relate the lyrics to my own life in a way, which I can to most songs (not that it keeps with the original meaning of the song, I just make it my own). So I really don’t know why I made this post, but I do know I love the accoustic version of the song in blockquotes up above. Enjoy.

whats the deal
with my brain
why am I so obviously insane
in a perfect situation
I let love down the drain

theres the pitch
slow and straight
all I have to do is swing
and I’m a hero
but I’m a zero

hungry nights
once again
now its getting unbelievable

cause I could not have it better
but I just can’t get no play
from the girls
all around
as they search the night for someone to hold on to
and just pass through

In the past, my postings seemed to portray that I was mad at the world. Mad at everyone and everything but myself. Sure, nothing much has improved. The calibur of most people is very lacking, and I’m disappointed with how a lot of people act… but there’s nothing I can do about that. No, I’m not saying I’m some great person either… Just not liking a lot of stuff. Tonight I am very disappointed in myself. I went to a bar in Sapulpa called Beer Hunters with Justin, Nick, and Gonzalez. It was a great time. We got to listen to The Usual Suspects play and watch some incredibly drunk people try to dance.

At one point there was this incredibly cute brunette that showed up… Just my type. Everyone with me knew she was my type, they immediately wanted me to go dance with her. I talked myself out of it my telling myself that she probably lived in Sapulpa, so if we happened to hit it off, the possibilities of it going somewhere were remote at best. This girl then went and started talking to these little gangster wanna be kids who just acted like immature, unintelligent thugs. I know… I’m raising myself above others again. BAD SCOTT! I know it’s stupid to think about relationships with those types of situations but I’m to the point where I’m very tired of being single. I miss the feeling of having someone in my life who cares about me in that way. I used to give so much to people, I used to be so trusting, so caring… But it’s all slipping away. I’m becoming an asshole. It has been told to me by friends even. I stopped being concerned with other peoples feelings, and stopped gong out of my way to make sure I didn’t make people feel uncomfortable. Some would say that is a good thing…. Some would say I shouldn’t bother myself that much with other people, but I don’t like not being the ‘nice guy’. I have always been the ‘nice guy’ and the saying is true… Nice guys DO finish last. I don’t know if subconsciously I’ve turned myself into something other than what I used to be….. I just don’t know. Too many times in the past I have lost someone I cared about to someone her and I both knew wasn’t right for her. Someone who didn’t treat her right, didn’t care for her the way he should, didn’t respect her, and sometimes was even abusive. Now I know that gives a little bit of insight to her own values, etc… But at the same time its like “what was it that made THAT a better choice than me?” It just puts a lot of doubt in my mind. I have once again gotten to the point where I have lost hope of meeting someone who will live up to my expectations.

Maybe no one will. Maybe wanting someone who’s smart, witty, easy going, not afraid to hang out with the guys, whom I’m attracted to, and doesn’t cheat is just asking too much. It seems all the prospects are looking for the opposite of me. I have been told in the past few months that I am “ahead of my time”. I suppose meaning that I want now, what most poeple want when they are 25-30 and older. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it is very interesting. Everyone my age wants to have a party life, sleep around, and cheat… But I want to meet someone who will be my partner for life. I want to once again have that feeling I used to have. That unmistakeable feeling of everything in your heart telling you that the one you love, also loves you. Loves you that same special way you love them and is actually telling you the truth when they say they love you. Some people say I love you, and mean something totally different from what I mean. I want that feeling back. I want it to come back and NOT be destroyed by simple acts of immaturity and poor decision making. Decision making that, like before, leads someone to someone who doesn’t treat them right, doesn’t put the one they supposedly love before themself, and doesn’t truly care for the person they supposedly love.

That’s it. I’m getting down off my soapbox to disappear for a little while again. Hope you enjoyed.

Since people seem to actually read my site I’ll go ahead and update.

I finally got a job. I started this past Monday and I’ll be in training for a total of 8 weeks. I will be doing tech support for sprint cellular customers. It’s not really what I want to be doing but it’s a job. I am really tired of being on the phones but I don’t have the skills to get a decent paying job in the field I want. So for now I’ll settle for this.

I didn’t do anything over spring break really except for get the job. I went to my buddy Tolly’s house to work with him in his shop making some jeep parts for a customer of his. I do graphics and design parts on the computer so he can cut them out on his plasma table, and in exchange I get free work done on my jeep. I am pretty much saving up ‘points’ right now so I will have a place to leave my jeep for a few days while he and I do the lift, install new axles, etc.

Last night I spent the evening back at Tolly’s shop installing the rear axle on the previous mentioned jeep. I designed some brackets to mount a traction bar. Here are some pics of the progress on the jeep.
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How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I’d chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I’ve found no meaning.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I’m so cold from fear.

I guess it’s time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I’ve heard what they say, but I’m not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

Again

And so it starts again.
A cycle so sequential it teeters on the verge of poetry.
A tragic turn of events
playing over and over like ancient stories told to me.
We fight through the times and the times between,
struggle through heartaches but see the same scene.
I push too hard and give too much
only to find my dreams are nothing but such… lies.
I lie to myself and lie to my soul
searching for something to fill this black hole…
I call my heart.
While the void grows deeper
it’s banks grow steeper
until there’s no escape
from what has become of what was once so beautiful.
You see, it all works itself out in the end.
It’s just a question of if it will happen soon…
While we can change it or only once we meet our own end.

Since I’m unemployed I am obviously trying to find a new job. I am being very selective right now as it is not imperative that I have a job for a few more weeks. I found this on my computer and thought it might be of some use.

Dear Sir or Ma’am,

Thank you for your letter rejecting my application for employment with your company.

I have received rejections from an unusually large number of exceptionally well qualified organizations. With such a varied and promising spectrum of rejections from which to select, it is impossible for me to consider them all. After careful deliberation, then, and because a number of firms have found me more unsuitable, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my requirements at this time. As a result, I will be starting employment with your firm on the first of the month.

Circumstances change and one can never know when new demands for rejection arise. Accordingly, I will keep your letter on file in case my requirements for rejection change.

Please do not regard this letter as a criticism of your qualifications in attempting to refuse me employment. I wish you the best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Scott Harvey

Thinking too much makes you remember good times, bad times, mistakes, losses, and regrets.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

It’s amazing how hard it is to leave the past behind…. Especially when you need to, but don’t want to and are afraid to give some things up.

I know.. It rhymes waaaaay too much.. but I had fun writing it, and that’s what matters.

Inequality

Our struggle against it faces impedance
and it’s existence lacks credence
but society has too much acquiescence.
Now is that a coincidence?
Look deep inside your conscience,
put aside your indifference,
and for once try to make a difference.
Negativity breeds more negativity,
which hinders intelligent activity.
So practice some exclusivity
when choosing who you allow in your vicinity.
Now let us look at this analytically.
If you aim to increase your amicability
you must first choose your brain as the facility.
Your first and foremost enemy of progressivity
is your minds own assininity.
Society has to take accountability
and take some steps in the right direction
if we ever want to cure this moral infection.

Just wanted to take a moment to say that Valentines Day SUCKS!

Not a good day for me… Or anyone who is single with no one to share the day with, I think. Not that it’s really any different from any other day. Today just seems like “point and laugh at the single people day.” My Jeep has been crippled due to failing parts.. I have had 2 days to get up to the truck supply store for the part I need and had no ride either day. I can’t even go search for a job because of it! I’m just glad it’s almost over!! YAY!!

I wanna go to sleep… Time to take the sleeping pills and forget about this cruddy day!

I’m done venting.

Thank you and goodbye.

I recently wrote a short story for a contest hosted by my friend Molly, but sadly I did not win. That’s ok though… I still enjoyed writing the story. I thought I would post it up here incase anyone was interested in reading it. It started with a dream I had… but most of it I just made up and did my best to create a worthy ending, but I just came up with the following….. Let me know what you think.

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I haven’t got around to updating about the trip to Kansas City that Justin and I took… I’ve actually