Satisfied Mind

Originally posted on my old blog on November 21st, 2005.

“Money can’t buy back
Your youth when you’re old
Or a friend when you’re lonely
Or a love that’s grown cold

The wealthiest person
Is a pauper at times
Compared to the man
With a satisfied mind

When my life has ended
And my time has run out
My friends and my loved ones
Will leave there’s no doubt

But one thing’s for certain
When it comes my time
I’ll leave this old world
With a satisfied mind.”

Well, It’s a new time in my life I guess you could say. Things are starting to change in my life, and mostly in my mind. In 2 days it will mark one year of being single… 363 days since I was smart enough to realize it, and a only a few weeks since I finally figured out that it was over. I hung on to something that wasn’t there for far too long, not realizing I wasn’t what someone wanted. I have changed somewhat in the past year: got weak, became stronger than before, had a revelation that will forever affect my life (although no one believes it), and made some promises to myself.

Now I refuse to change who I am, that will never change. I know I am too nice of a person, and I get taken advantage of, stepped on, and abused by some… But I don’t have a real mean side to me (unless you give me reason to believe you’re causing, or will cause harm to someone I care about). I have made some very good friends, the kinds of friends I have never had before, and some that I would never want to have again… But it has all been worth it.

I had a beautiful relationship with a beautiful person that ended in terrible pain. The most important person in my world drifted so far from me that I’m almost certain there is no chance of feeling the love I once felt again.

I’ve had highs and lows, good experiences and bad. I’ve seen the truth that lies beneath the surface of people, revealing the facade they display is nothing more than a mask of the malice within. I saw the darkest secrets of people that they had shown to no one else, and I finally accepted my own dark secrets.

So in the end I guess all I can do is show who I truly am, and know that, sadly, the world is littered with cursed people who when given the chance will act with regard for no one but themselves.

I hope I die with a satisfied mind, and if I have a family, that I lived a good enough life, and treated them well enough for them to be there. I don’t want to die alone… because my mind won’t be satisfied.