Tonight my old best friend Doug came into town. He lives in Olathe Kansas and hasn’t been down here in quite a long time. I managed to see him during my trip to Kansas City with Justin a few months back. His brother came and so did mine (David was Doug’s older brothers’ best friend) and we had a great time. The Usual Suspects were playing at the 71st St. Depot so we listened to them, caught up on current events, and remembered the good old times. After the night at the bar was over Justin and I decided to venture to IHOP at 71st and Garnett for some coffee and food. Read the rest of this entry »

I know that hearts were loving long before I was here,
and I’m not the first to ever cry in my bed or in my beer.
There were songs before there was radio
of love that stays and love that goes
they were writing melancholy tunes and tearful words that rhyme,
before my time, before my time.

There were songs in old dusty books of love that’s always been,
sweet lovers in their glory who are now gone with the wind.
Old fashioned love words spoken then,
keep coming back around again.
nothing’s changed except the names, their love burns just like mine,
before my time, before my time.

And in the dim of yesterday
I can clearly see
that flesh and blood cried out to someone
as it does in me.
And there was some old song that said, I love you till I die,
before my time, before my time.

But what the old time masters had, is what I feel for you,
love is love and doesn’t change in a century or two.
If someway they had seen and knew
how it would be for me and you
they’d wish for love like yours and they would wish for love like mine,
before my time, before my time.

All is well in my life it seems. I still don’t know where I’m going but I have come to accept some things. The semester is coming to a close and it seems I may have managed to screw up some classes again. I can’t say I’m ok with this, but there’s no way I can change it at this point. I’ll probably be taking a semester off from school to try to figure some things out in my life. I know it isn’t the greatest idea seeing that I am going to be turning 23 this summer and have yet to complete a 2-year college (insert roll eyes smiley here).

I have always told myself and others that I will be very successful in a professional business world and make plenty of money… That I would be able to raise a family in a comfortable life style, etc. I have started to realize that being in the normal business world that most people are in won’t make me happy… And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Being happy? I am starting to think I am going to be more satisfied in life if I’m working in a field that won’t be bringing in the big bucks. Not because of the lack of money, but because the things I enjoy in life aren’t really big money industries. I enjoy working with my hands, on cars, and fabricating. I don’t want to be a mechanic, though people seem to think it would be right for me. I think I will only be happy if I’m my own boss, or leading a small business with a trusted friend/friends. I think I will end up getting by with what I have, and making my way through life being very dedicated to something I love. I know that me not being 100% assured of my financial stability will almost definitely eliminate the possibility of a life with Michelle, but I have accepted that. Some people want to have assurance that their future will happen, to a certain extent, the way they plan it… But I can’t offer that to her. Now, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. She wants certain things in life, and so do I. Our goals are very similar, but our avenues to reach the goals apparently are not. These differences will pretty much negate any efforts I may put forth to patch up our relationship and rekindle what we once had.

So once I can finally come to terms with the end of that time in my life, I think I can find some direction in my life. So things are looking up. No I’m not dating the friend I met at work, but I did at least find a new friend with whom I can enjoy spending time with. I have a feeling the rest of 2006 will most defintely help determine what path I take in life… I hope it’s the right one for me.

P.S. - In regards to the quoted text at the beginning… I’ve been told I’m ahead of my time in regards to what I want in a relationship. Where most people my age are partying, living the wild life, and loving it, I want to start settling down. Now I’m not saying everyone my age is like that, just most. It has been said that most people don’t want what I want in life until they’re 25-30…. So maybe I am ahead of my time…….. Who knows?

Now I’m of consenting age
to be forgetting you in a cabaret
Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name

As she sheds her skin on stage
I’m seated and sweating to a dance song on the club’s P.A.
The strip joint veteran sweeps you away
Smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri

And isn’t this exactly where you’d like me
I’m exactly where you’d like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Well I’m afraid that I
Well, I may have faked it and
I wouldn’t be caught dead in this place

It’s amazing what can take your mind off of the thing that bothers you most in life. I have been very busy at work lately, and I haven’t really had time to think about a certain someone. I found that I have been pretty much happy because I don’t have time to dwell on the past like I normally do. I also even met someone at work, she seems pretty cool. I’m not really thinking it’s going to go anywhere, but we’re hanging out tomorrow night so we’ll see what’s up.

I am still in training at work right now. I have two more weeks in the classroom after this week, then 2 more taking calls as part of training, then I’ll be out on my team. It’s going well. I start to learn the tech part of my job next week, so I’ll be comfortable in that sense again. So now I have to get some homework done for school, write an essay, etc. I’ll update again sometime this week.

So it’s 41 degrees outside. Well…. my hands aren’t working properly. I just drove home from T.U. and I am glad to be alive. See, I took the top off my jeep the other day to enjoy the weather… Lets just say the weather is good during the day. I am pretty much frozen solid. I think 41 degrees at 75MPH = negative 200 wind chill. That’s enough for me.

Today my friends Jason and Dana got married. I was an usher in their wedding so I missed the Lambda Chi Alhpa volley ball tournament and Luau. I showed up at the end but was able to come back later and party. Let’s just say I partied a little hard. I flirted, danced, and had a great time though. I kind of miss my old life sometimes but I know that it won’t be back. That chapter of my life is over and maybe a similar, but much better, chapter will happen some day. I met some new girls, got acquainted with some of the Lambda Chi brothers that I hadn’t previously hung out with much, and danced my butt off! My thighs are so sore! Tomorrow will be a busy day. I am moving stuff for my brother, maybe changing the oil in a friends car, and making/putting on fenders for my jeep. It will be fun.

later

Drink down that gin and kerosene,
and come spit on bridges with me.
Just to keep us warm.

Then light a match to leave me be.
Light a match to leave, me be.
And I keep my jealousy close,
’cause it’s all mine.
And if you say this makes you happy,
then I’m not the only lying.

Keep quiet,
nothing comes as easy as you.
Can I lay - in your bed - all day?
I’ll be your best kept secret
and your biggest mistake.
The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday.

I absolutely love music. It’s not like it’s anything new to me but I’ve just noticed it more recently. The songs I choose to listen to pretty much make or break my day. I keep a fairly large collection on 3 separate mp3 CD’s in my jeep so I have songs for pretty much every mood. Today I’ve been listening to a little Fall Out Boy and James Blunt again. It’s been a pretty good day. I like a lot of songs that most people don’t because I don’t realy focus on the tune, but the lyrics (but a catchy tune is a catchy tune, as long as the lyrics aren’t totally absurd, ie. “I’m in love with a stripper”). Molly and I had a conversation some time ago when we were getting to know each other about how most people just like the sound of the song they’re listening to. She and I seem to both listen mainly for what the artist says in the song. Now I’m not saying this a rare thing, but the majority of people don’t seem to care what the lyrics mean, just that they rhyme or go with a good beat (rap for example :rolleyes: ). I get more out of the songs if I can somehow relate the lyrics to my own life in a way, which I can to most songs (not that it keeps with the original meaning of the song, I just make it my own). So I really don’t know why I made this post, but I do know I love the accoustic version of the song in blockquotes up above. Enjoy.

whats the deal
with my brain
why am I so obviously insane
in a perfect situation
I let love down the drain

theres the pitch
slow and straight
all I have to do is swing
and I’m a hero
but I’m a zero

hungry nights
once again
now its getting unbelievable

cause I could not have it better
but I just can’t get no play
from the girls
all around
as they search the night for someone to hold on to
and just pass through

In the past, my postings seemed to portray that I was mad at the world. Mad at everyone and everything but myself. Sure, nothing much has improved. The calibur of most people is very lacking, and I’m disappointed with how a lot of people act… but there’s nothing I can do about that. No, I’m not saying I’m some great person either… Just not liking a lot of stuff. Tonight I am very disappointed in myself. I went to a bar in Sapulpa called Beer Hunters with Justin, Nick, and Gonzalez. It was a great time. We got to listen to The Usual Suspects play and watch some incredibly drunk people try to dance.

At one point there was this incredibly cute brunette that showed up… Just my type. Everyone with me knew she was my type, they immediately wanted me to go dance with her. I talked myself out of it my telling myself that she probably lived in Sapulpa, so if we happened to hit it off, the possibilities of it going somewhere were remote at best. This girl then went and started talking to these little gangster wanna be kids who just acted like immature, unintelligent thugs. I know… I’m raising myself above others again. BAD SCOTT! I know it’s stupid to think about relationships with those types of situations but I’m to the point where I’m very tired of being single. I miss the feeling of having someone in my life who cares about me in that way. I used to give so much to people, I used to be so trusting, so caring… But it’s all slipping away. I’m becoming an asshole. It has been told to me by friends even. I stopped being concerned with other peoples feelings, and stopped gong out of my way to make sure I didn’t make people feel uncomfortable. Some would say that is a good thing…. Some would say I shouldn’t bother myself that much with other people, but I don’t like not being the ‘nice guy’. I have always been the ‘nice guy’ and the saying is true… Nice guys DO finish last. I don’t know if subconsciously I’ve turned myself into something other than what I used to be….. I just don’t know. Too many times in the past I have lost someone I cared about to someone her and I both knew wasn’t right for her. Someone who didn’t treat her right, didn’t care for her the way he should, didn’t respect her, and sometimes was even abusive. Now I know that gives a little bit of insight to her own values, etc… But at the same time its like “what was it that made THAT a better choice than me?” It just puts a lot of doubt in my mind. I have once again gotten to the point where I have lost hope of meeting someone who will live up to my expectations.

Maybe no one will. Maybe wanting someone who’s smart, witty, easy going, not afraid to hang out with the guys, whom I’m attracted to, and doesn’t cheat is just asking too much. It seems all the prospects are looking for the opposite of me. I have been told in the past few months that I am “ahead of my time”. I suppose meaning that I want now, what most poeple want when they are 25-30 and older. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it is very interesting. Everyone my age wants to have a party life, sleep around, and cheat… But I want to meet someone who will be my partner for life. I want to once again have that feeling I used to have. That unmistakeable feeling of everything in your heart telling you that the one you love, also loves you. Loves you that same special way you love them and is actually telling you the truth when they say they love you. Some people say I love you, and mean something totally different from what I mean. I want that feeling back. I want it to come back and NOT be destroyed by simple acts of immaturity and poor decision making. Decision making that, like before, leads someone to someone who doesn’t treat them right, doesn’t put the one they supposedly love before themself, and doesn’t truly care for the person they supposedly love.

That’s it. I’m getting down off my soapbox to disappear for a little while again. Hope you enjoyed.