It’s a bittersweet symphony, this life

whats the deal
with my brain
why am I so obviously insane
in a perfect situation
I let love down the drain

theres the pitch
slow and straight
all I have to do is swing
and I’m a hero
but I’m a zero

hungry nights
once again
now its getting unbelievable

cause I could not have it better
but I just can’t get no play
from the girls
all around
as they search the night for someone to hold on to
and just pass through

In the past, my postings seemed to portray that I was mad at the world. Mad at everyone and everything but myself. Sure, nothing much has improved. The calibur of most people is very lacking, and I’m disappointed with how a lot of people act… but there’s nothing I can do about that. No, I’m not saying I’m some great person either… Just not liking a lot of stuff. Tonight I am very disappointed in myself. I went to a bar in Sapulpa called Beer Hunters with Justin, Nick, and Gonzalez. It was a great time. We got to listen to The Usual Suspects play and watch some incredibly drunk people try to dance.

At one point there was this incredibly cute brunette that showed up… Just my type. Everyone with me knew she was my type, they immediately wanted me to go dance with her. I talked myself out of it my telling myself that she probably lived in Sapulpa, so if we happened to hit it off, the possibilities of it going somewhere were remote at best. This girl then went and started talking to these little gangster wanna be kids who just acted like immature, unintelligent thugs. I know… I’m raising myself above others again. BAD SCOTT! I know it’s stupid to think about relationships with those types of situations but I’m to the point where I’m very tired of being single. I miss the feeling of having someone in my life who cares about me in that way. I used to give so much to people, I used to be so trusting, so caring… But it’s all slipping away. I’m becoming an asshole. It has been told to me by friends even. I stopped being concerned with other peoples feelings, and stopped gong out of my way to make sure I didn’t make people feel uncomfortable. Some would say that is a good thing…. Some would say I shouldn’t bother myself that much with other people, but I don’t like not being the ‘nice guy’. I have always been the ‘nice guy’ and the saying is true… Nice guys DO finish last. I don’t know if subconsciously I’ve turned myself into something other than what I used to be….. I just don’t know. Too many times in the past I have lost someone I cared about to someone her and I both knew wasn’t right for her. Someone who didn’t treat her right, didn’t care for her the way he should, didn’t respect her, and sometimes was even abusive. Now I know that gives a little bit of insight to her own values, etc… But at the same time its like “what was it that made THAT a better choice than me?” It just puts a lot of doubt in my mind. I have once again gotten to the point where I have lost hope of meeting someone who will live up to my expectations.

Maybe no one will. Maybe wanting someone who’s smart, witty, easy going, not afraid to hang out with the guys, whom I’m attracted to, and doesn’t cheat is just asking too much. It seems all the prospects are looking for the opposite of me. I have been told in the past few months that I am “ahead of my time”. I suppose meaning that I want now, what most poeple want when they are 25-30 and older. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it is very interesting. Everyone my age wants to have a party life, sleep around, and cheat… But I want to meet someone who will be my partner for life. I want to once again have that feeling I used to have. That unmistakeable feeling of everything in your heart telling you that the one you love, also loves you. Loves you that same special way you love them and is actually telling you the truth when they say they love you. Some people say I love you, and mean something totally different from what I mean. I want that feeling back. I want it to come back and NOT be destroyed by simple acts of immaturity and poor decision making. Decision making that, like before, leads someone to someone who doesn’t treat them right, doesn’t put the one they supposedly love before themself, and doesn’t truly care for the person they supposedly love.

That’s it. I’m getting down off my soapbox to disappear for a little while again. Hope you enjoyed.