Insignificance

I hope she knows I got this memory
that won’t ever seem to break or bend
a thick lock and sheetrock is on my windows in the kitchen
I dont think I’ll ever take them down again

and I’ve learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups
and fuck ups and fake ups
things that I wish you could comprehend, yeah comprehend
but for now I’ll lace up these wingtip shoes, boys
and I’ll go and have breakfast with my good friends

Well, tonight I found out that my ex decided to end things with the guy she has been seeing for the past year and a half or so (since 2 days after she left me). I understand that she is upset about it and I really hate to know that she hurts. She is really broken up about it, and I just have to wonder what makes it so hard to leave him and what made it so easy to leave me? Now, her response would be that she had been thinking about leaving me for a few months… but I know she’s been talking about ending it with him for close to 9 months.

Now if I were to call my friend and make my case I would most assuredly get a response like “she just didn’t know what she had.. you treated her great” or something similar. I like to think and say that there was very little that I did wrong in the relationship, and I treated her well…. but I know there are too many things I didn’t do or have. I was the friend that turned into a lover, nothing more. I brought to the table only my never-ending habit of putting others before me(especially the woman I’m with), and love. I didn’t bring phsyical attraction(from her). I was never abusive, physically, mentally, or emotionally that I know of… I tried my best to do the small things for her but failed to do so a lot of the time as well. I drove a vehicle that she despised riding in and that left her driving most of the time. I got drunk with my friends a few times and I know she hated that. I wasn’t a Christian, which was, and still is a huge thing for her. I am still no Christian, but I have different views on life, death, and the thereafter. But this is still not what she wants. But neither is he. So I just wonder what he had that was so great… that made her stay with him through 9 months of wanting to leave him… Someone she refused to do anything more than date because she knew she would never marry him…

and why it was so hard to stop going to his house, but so easy to kick me out of our home.

Everyone would say the answer is her.

But, sadly, the answer is me.