Last minute jitters, or something more?

So, I’ve been lying in my bed trying to sleep for the past three hours with no luck. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can’t get it to slow down. I’ve had an interesting night to say the least.

I’ve found myself wondering: Can you fully devote yourself to something if your heart isn’t fully in it too?

For the past few months I have been training for, preparing for, and dreaming of the Marine Corps. I have been very excited about starting something new, a new life. It’s been what I’ve been waking up for every morning… It’s why I’ve been pushing my body so hard for these past few months. I’ve been looking forward to June 3rd so much. That is, until tonight.

You see, about 5 days ago I realized it was REALLY close. I started thinking about leaving this life behind, and what that truly means. I have been wondering about what I could have done differently in my life since high school. I feel like everything I have done up until now means nothing, and was for nothing. I know this isn’t really true, but I really do feel like none of it matters.

Tonight I spent time with someone that I had not spent time with in a long time. I just recently put aside my harsh feelings for this person and was ready to move on. I finally got past our past. For two and a half years I have been struggling with feelings of betrayal, and disgust. I have wanted to try to patch things up and maybe try again but I hadn’t been emotionally ready to. The bad thing is that when I finally am… It’s time for me to leave.

I enlisted in the Marine Corps for many reasons. To better myself, and to experience something new just to name a few. But one reason that wasn’t truly apparent to me until recently is this… I was running away.

I was running away from this city, this person, and our history. I felt there was no future for me in this city because I had not been able to put aside my own weakness for over two years. I wanted to get away and start a new life, leaving all my troubles behind. Now I am wondering if it was the right decision.

I’m pretty sure everyone who reads this will know who I am speaking of, but I will leave the name out. I would do absolutely anything for this person. I have never had feelings for anyone like I have for her, and I don’t think I ever will. There is a connection with her that I have been unable to find with anyone else since our relationship ended in the fall of 2004. Now I find myself debating if I should continue with my plan, alter it, or even do away with it altogether. I know I have made a commitment to my country and I do not take that lightly. However, nothing is truly official until I swear in and go to boot camp. Don’t get me wrong, I think these are only last minute jitters… but hear me out.

If I am right, and this person is the person I am supposed to be with… is it worth throwing it away because I want to get away from my problems? That is, if that’s truly what I am doing. I am currently signed on for five years active duty. That means that until 2012 I will be at the mercy of the needs of the Marine Corps. I will only have the 30 days of leave each year to come home to my family and friends here in Tulsa. Now here come the ‘what ifs’. What if I am supposed to be with this person, and I disappear for the better part of 5 years. I don’t think fate can swing that one, I’m sorry. What if I just went reserves? That would allow me to be here with my family and friends, still serve my country, and allow me to try to work things out with the person I feel I should spend the rest of my life with. I would have to change my MOS to something like infantry or artillery, but I can handle that. The final ‘what if’ is this: What if I wuss out? What if I simply decide not to become a Marine? I don’t think I could face the humiliation of it. From my recruiters, my family, friends. Whether any of them actually felt bad about me because of it or not… I would probably always feel like they thought less of me. That is the least likely option, simply because I made a commitment, and I don’t take it lightly at all. But is it worth losing “the one”?

I still have some reservations about this person, although they are petty. She’s dating a guy from her past that I don’t really care for, that there have been issues about in the past. I have some people telling me I should be more cautious about trusting her because of past indiscretions. I also don’t know for sure if there is even a real chance of reconciling and making things work. So the big question is really “is it worth it?”

Is she worth throwing away my future with the Marine Corps? Is the Marine Corps worth throwing away my possible future with her?

Now since I know she will read this as well (when you have a blog people know about, it spreads), I will say to not take the next few comments harshly, because I am not completely sure how I really feel about them.

When I am around this person I am not the same person I am when I am around just my friends. Some may say this is a bad sign, but it’s not as if I make an effort to behave differently. I really just feel like a better person when I am with her. I can be pretty wild, crude, and obnoxious when I am out with my friends, but it is simply not the case with her. I am more focused, reserved, calm, and polite. I am very watchful of her. Many people know that I am very protective of women, sometimes to the point of distraction. I guess it is part of the way I was raised… I’m just protective. Anyways, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that I am different around her. On the other hand, I also know that if I were to act in the same manner I do when I’m with my friends, with her… It would not go over well. I know there would be quite a bit of shock displayed. I also know if she came along to hang out with my friends, it would be a little uncomfortable for her because she doesn’t associate with the variety of people that I do. I question these things because if I’m going to change my life plans for someone….. how important is it really that they get along great with ‘the guys’ ?

Someone once said: “If you don’t know what direction you should take, you don’t know where you are.” So….. how do I figure out where I am?

So I’m not sure if I’m looking for responses to this or not. It’s not like I write on my blog for relationship advice, but I’m kinda torn right now. I leave for boot camp in less than four weeks so I have to get my heart back into what I’m doing, or decide what I should do with myself. I don’t know if it’s just a temporary thing I’m feeling because I saw this person tonight, but it’s really messing with my head. If you want to leave a comment, please feel free(good, bad, whatever). I know it’s been a long and random post, so if you made it this far… thank you. I hate to write about this stuff on my blog, but I really needed to get it off my chest. Hopefully I can sleep now.