Random Thoughts

When my time comes
forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some
reasons to be missed.
Don’t resent me,
and when you’re feeling empty,
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside
you’ve learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.

I think there are times on your life when you realize things that make you take a step back and get a better view of your life. Call it stupid, but I did it yesterday and had to tell myself some things.

Sometimes I just go through my daily routine, never stopping to think about what I am really doing. I’m thousands of miles from home, doing something I NEVER thought I would see myself doing. I left behind my family, and the closest friends I have ever had in order to create a future for myself. And when I stop to think about it, it makes me sad. Although I know I made a good choice for myself, I hate missing what happens in the lives of those I love. I see my friends suffer from afar, knowing I can’t be there for them like I always was. I can’t watch their backs on those weekends at the bar… I can’t help them fix things on their vehicles or houses like I used to do.. And most of all, I can’t be their shoulder to cry on when they go through the toughest times in life.

I have to consider what this will do to me in the long run. I know I’m not the first person to do this. This is, however, the first time I have done this. Where will I be four years from now? Will I even be around four years from now? When I get deployed, will I be attached to infantry unit or will I be far from the enemy where I will never see the horrible realities of war? Will I return? Will I ever meet someone who will stick with me when I am gone for months on deployments… Someone who can handle the stresses of being a Marine Wife? All of these questions weigh heavily on my mind day in and day out. It may be morbid, but I know these are the realities of the life I chose for myself… And I must live with the consequences.

I don’t know what all this is for, but oh well.. it’s my blog, right? I know the friends I speak of know who they are. I have considered them my brothers for upwards of 14 years… And I hope they know I love them as my brothers. I hope my family will make it through my deployments with as little worry as possible. And I hope I make it through as well.

That’s it for now… I’m sure I’ll think of something else to write soon.