When my time comes
forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some
reasons to be missed.
Don’t resent me,
and when you’re feeling empty,
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside
you’ve learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.

I think there are times on your life when you realize things that make you take a step back and get a better view of your life. Call it stupid, but I did it yesterday and had to tell myself some things.

Sometimes I just go through my daily routine, never stopping to think about what I am really doing. I’m thousands of miles from home, doing something I NEVER thought I would see myself doing. I left behind my family, and the closest friends I have ever had in order to create a future for myself. And when I stop to think about it, it makes me sad. Although I know I made a good choice for myself, I hate missing what happens in the lives of those I love. I see my friends suffer from afar, knowing I can’t be there for them like I always was. I can’t watch their backs on those weekends at the bar… I can’t help them fix things on their vehicles or houses like I used to do.. And most of all, I can’t be their shoulder to cry on when they go through the toughest times in life.

I have to consider what this will do to me in the long run. I know I’m not the first person to do this. This is, however, the first time I have done this. Where will I be four years from now? Will I even be around four years from now? When I get deployed, will I be attached to infantry unit or will I be far from the enemy where I will never see the horrible realities of war? Will I return? Will I ever meet someone who will stick with me when I am gone for months on deployments… Someone who can handle the stresses of being a Marine Wife? All of these questions weigh heavily on my mind day in and day out. It may be morbid, but I know these are the realities of the life I chose for myself… And I must live with the consequences.

I don’t know what all this is for, but oh well.. it’s my blog, right? I know the friends I speak of know who they are. I have considered them my brothers for upwards of 14 years… And I hope they know I love them as my brothers. I hope my family will make it through my deployments with as little worry as possible. And I hope I make it through as well.

That’s it for now… I’m sure I’ll think of something else to write soon.

Well, it has been a nice few weeks at home visiting my family and friends. I always have to leave right as I get used to being back in Tulsa. Anyways, I have to say that I have learned a lot.

I know that I have 3 friends who will always be there for me, no matter what. They are willing to go the extra mile to take care of their friends. I have also learned that there are some things, and some people, that I have to leave in my past. But that’s the sad truth in life. Life is never going to go according to plan, and you can’t control how people feel… no matter how much you wish you could.

So I know that things will be different in my future, and when I return to Tulsa in July I won’t let myself fall back into my old habit of trying to win certain people over. It simply isn’t worth it. They will remain, forever, part of my past. But I will miss it dearly.

So now I get to go back and continue my training. I have a great group of Marines there with me and I know I am doing something good for my future. I just wish I more time here with my old friends. That is all.

As I sit on base on this cool November afternoon I can’t help but think about my brothers and sisters overseas doing the nations dirty work. Today must be a very hard day to be away from their families. I know I may not see my family until next year either, but I’m safe here in the states. I hope that everyone takes a moment to think about those serving our great nation, making sacrifices most of us will never understand.

That’s it really… I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you enjoy your time with your loved ones.

So, I’ve been lying in my bed trying to sleep for the past three hours with no luck. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can’t get it to slow down. I’ve had an interesting night to say the least.

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So, so you think you can tell…
Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field, from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cold breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year, running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears,
I wish you were here.

I miss…… Read the rest of this entry »

that someone I know sent this in to PostSecret
Read the rest of this entry »

I will miss you when you go
much more than you’ll ever know
But I’ll have a memory to keep you near
In my heart you will remain
but it just won’t be the same
I will miss a million things that make you dear
Your lovely ways make you so sweet
I prayed the angels fair will keep…
your happiness, so you’ll be blessed just as you deserve to be
I wonder why there are so few lovely people like you
My but I will surely miss you when you go

Take whatever opportunity you have to tell the ones you love how you feel. Let them know how much they mean to you. And whatever time you get to spend with them, hold on to those memories as they pass… because you never know when you will find yourself without their presence in this world.

walked away,
heard them say,
poison hearts will never change
walk away again
turned away in disgrace
felt the chill upon my face
cooling from within
hard to notice
gleaming from the sky
when you’re staring at the cracks
hard to notice
what is passing by
with eyes low…
walked away
heard them say
poison hearts will never change
walk away again
all the cracks they lead right to me
and all the cracks will crawl right through me
and they’ll part
As I walk away again

I’ll explain the lyrics later in this entry.

You all know I changed jobs a short time ago… But I have to say, I’m loving it. We are very busy right now which means lots of money, and it’s only going to get better. We are currently doing a big job on a 1974 Ford Bronco where we are repairing some frame rot, replacing the floor of the rear section, and doing some body work to the rocker panels under the doors. After that job is complete we have a CJ-7 to do a quick transmission/transfercase installation on, then a YJ to finish some suspension work on.. After that it gets good. There is a huge job with an old CJ-5 which will get some huge Rockwell axles, a 4-link suspension, some possible cage work, bumper work, and skid plate for the under-side. This build will probably take a month to complete due to the complexity of all the components. I will start a new category for my blog so I can put pictures and info on here for those who are interested to read.

Click the link to read more… I have much more to say.
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Have you ever been so lonely,
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me,
And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.
Have a look inside.

It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I’m empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.

I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It’s sweetly falling in tune.
I’m gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor,
and crawl to my room.
The thought of ending it soon…
Just let me sleep in my room.

Hear me cry! cry! cry!
I hear a knock at the front door.
Don’t come in!
I try to look at you
But I can’t stop shaking.
Leave me alone. Just go away.
Mother I’m so scared.

Empty bed and all of the sheets are gone,
They’re wrapped around me and you.
All is quiet but the drop of a gun.
I want to belong…to someone…
But maybe life’s not for everyone.

I quit my job today. I know, that’s a great way to start an entry, huh? I have been very unhappy doing what I’ve been doing so I needed a change. I was sick today so I stayed home from work and at about 5:30 a friend of mine asked me to come work with him at his shop. He does custom fabrication and automotive work and that is what I have been thinking about doing for a while. I’ll get to work in a very relaxed environment with friends, drink a little beer sometimes, learn to weld a bit better, and get to work on my jeep some too. I’ll be taking home more than I am currently, but I’ll be working my ass off for it. All in all it sounds like it will be a great deal. I start in the morning.
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I hope she knows I got this memory
that won’t ever seem to break or bend
a thick lock and sheetrock is on my windows in the kitchen
I dont think I’ll ever take them down again

and I’ve learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups
and fuck ups and fake ups
things that I wish you could comprehend, yeah comprehend
but for now I’ll lace up these wingtip shoes, boys
and I’ll go and have breakfast with my good friends

Well, tonight I found out that my ex decided to end things with the guy she has been seeing for the past year and a half or so (since 2 days after she left me). I understand that she is upset about it and I really hate to know that she hurts. She is really broken up about it, and I just have to wonder what makes it so hard to leave him and what made it so easy to leave me? Now, her response would be that she had been thinking about leaving me for a few months… but I know she’s been talking about ending it with him for close to 9 months. Read the rest of this entry »