I know that hearts were loving long before I was here,
and I’m not the first to ever cry in my bed or in my beer.
There were songs before there was radio
of love that stays and love that goes
they were writing melancholy tunes and tearful words that rhyme,
before my time, before my time.

There were songs in old dusty books of love that’s always been,
sweet lovers in their glory who are now gone with the wind.
Old fashioned love words spoken then,
keep coming back around again.
nothing’s changed except the names, their love burns just like mine,
before my time, before my time.

And in the dim of yesterday
I can clearly see
that flesh and blood cried out to someone
as it does in me.
And there was some old song that said, I love you till I die,
before my time, before my time.

But what the old time masters had, is what I feel for you,
love is love and doesn’t change in a century or two.
If someway they had seen and knew
how it would be for me and you
they’d wish for love like yours and they would wish for love like mine,
before my time, before my time.

All is well in my life it seems. I still don’t know where I’m going but I have come to accept some things. The semester is coming to a close and it seems I may have managed to screw up some classes again. I can’t say I’m ok with this, but there’s no way I can change it at this point. I’ll probably be taking a semester off from school to try to figure some things out in my life. I know it isn’t the greatest idea seeing that I am going to be turning 23 this summer and have yet to complete a 2-year college (insert roll eyes smiley here).

I have always told myself and others that I will be very successful in a professional business world and make plenty of money… That I would be able to raise a family in a comfortable life style, etc. I have started to realize that being in the normal business world that most people are in won’t make me happy… And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Being happy? I am starting to think I am going to be more satisfied in life if I’m working in a field that won’t be bringing in the big bucks. Not because of the lack of money, but because the things I enjoy in life aren’t really big money industries. I enjoy working with my hands, on cars, and fabricating. I don’t want to be a mechanic, though people seem to think it would be right for me. I think I will only be happy if I’m my own boss, or leading a small business with a trusted friend/friends. I think I will end up getting by with what I have, and making my way through life being very dedicated to something I love. I know that me not being 100% assured of my financial stability will almost definitely eliminate the possibility of a life with Michelle, but I have accepted that. Some people want to have assurance that their future will happen, to a certain extent, the way they plan it… But I can’t offer that to her. Now, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. She wants certain things in life, and so do I. Our goals are very similar, but our avenues to reach the goals apparently are not. These differences will pretty much negate any efforts I may put forth to patch up our relationship and rekindle what we once had.

So once I can finally come to terms with the end of that time in my life, I think I can find some direction in my life. So things are looking up. No I’m not dating the friend I met at work, but I did at least find a new friend with whom I can enjoy spending time with. I have a feeling the rest of 2006 will most defintely help determine what path I take in life… I hope it’s the right one for me.

P.S. - In regards to the quoted text at the beginning… I’ve been told I’m ahead of my time in regards to what I want in a relationship. Where most people my age are partying, living the wild life, and loving it, I want to start settling down. Now I’m not saying everyone my age is like that, just most. It has been said that most people don’t want what I want in life until they’re 25-30…. So maybe I am ahead of my time…….. Who knows?

whats the deal
with my brain
why am I so obviously insane
in a perfect situation
I let love down the drain

theres the pitch
slow and straight
all I have to do is swing
and I’m a hero
but I’m a zero

hungry nights
once again
now its getting unbelievable

cause I could not have it better
but I just can’t get no play
from the girls
all around
as they search the night for someone to hold on to
and just pass through

In the past, my postings seemed to portray that I was mad at the world. Mad at everyone and everything but myself. Sure, nothing much has improved. The calibur of most people is very lacking, and I’m disappointed with how a lot of people act… but there’s nothing I can do about that. No, I’m not saying I’m some great person either… Just not liking a lot of stuff. Tonight I am very disappointed in myself. I went to a bar in Sapulpa called Beer Hunters with Justin, Nick, and Gonzalez. It was a great time. We got to listen to The Usual Suspects play and watch some incredibly drunk people try to dance.

At one point there was this incredibly cute brunette that showed up… Just my type. Everyone with me knew she was my type, they immediately wanted me to go dance with her. I talked myself out of it my telling myself that she probably lived in Sapulpa, so if we happened to hit it off, the possibilities of it going somewhere were remote at best. This girl then went and started talking to these little gangster wanna be kids who just acted like immature, unintelligent thugs. I know… I’m raising myself above others again. BAD SCOTT! I know it’s stupid to think about relationships with those types of situations but I’m to the point where I’m very tired of being single. I miss the feeling of having someone in my life who cares about me in that way. I used to give so much to people, I used to be so trusting, so caring… But it’s all slipping away. I’m becoming an asshole. It has been told to me by friends even. I stopped being concerned with other peoples feelings, and stopped gong out of my way to make sure I didn’t make people feel uncomfortable. Some would say that is a good thing…. Some would say I shouldn’t bother myself that much with other people, but I don’t like not being the ‘nice guy’. I have always been the ‘nice guy’ and the saying is true… Nice guys DO finish last. I don’t know if subconsciously I’ve turned myself into something other than what I used to be….. I just don’t know. Too many times in the past I have lost someone I cared about to someone her and I both knew wasn’t right for her. Someone who didn’t treat her right, didn’t care for her the way he should, didn’t respect her, and sometimes was even abusive. Now I know that gives a little bit of insight to her own values, etc… But at the same time its like “what was it that made THAT a better choice than me?” It just puts a lot of doubt in my mind. I have once again gotten to the point where I have lost hope of meeting someone who will live up to my expectations.

Maybe no one will. Maybe wanting someone who’s smart, witty, easy going, not afraid to hang out with the guys, whom I’m attracted to, and doesn’t cheat is just asking too much. It seems all the prospects are looking for the opposite of me. I have been told in the past few months that I am “ahead of my time”. I suppose meaning that I want now, what most poeple want when they are 25-30 and older. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it is very interesting. Everyone my age wants to have a party life, sleep around, and cheat… But I want to meet someone who will be my partner for life. I want to once again have that feeling I used to have. That unmistakeable feeling of everything in your heart telling you that the one you love, also loves you. Loves you that same special way you love them and is actually telling you the truth when they say they love you. Some people say I love you, and mean something totally different from what I mean. I want that feeling back. I want it to come back and NOT be destroyed by simple acts of immaturity and poor decision making. Decision making that, like before, leads someone to someone who doesn’t treat them right, doesn’t put the one they supposedly love before themself, and doesn’t truly care for the person they supposedly love.

That’s it. I’m getting down off my soapbox to disappear for a little while again. Hope you enjoyed.

Thinking too much makes you remember good times, bad times, mistakes, losses, and regrets.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

It’s amazing how hard it is to leave the past behind…. Especially when you need to, but don’t want to and are afraid to give some things up.

I am a realist.

I do not look on the bright side of things, I do not look on the dark side of things.

I look at things as they really are.
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Must be your skin that I’m sinkin in.
Must be for real cause now I can feel.
And I didn’t mind,
It’s not my kind.
Not my time to wonder why.
Everything’s gone white,
And everything’s grey,
Now you’re here now you’re away.
I don’t want this,
remember that
I’ll never forget where you’re at.

So I have had a great time with friends, and friends’ family tonight. I saw a movie, had dinner with friends’ parents, had a few drinks, drove when I shouldn’t have, drank some more, played drinking games, drove again when I shouldn’t have, saw old friends, and again some new friends. I spent most of the day occupied so all in all it was a great day.

I am excited about GeekFab launching, and having an opportunity to contribute to something that people will read and hopefully not think “God, how pathetic!” I made a new years resolution that I initially shared only with a few people but I only tonight realized why I kept it a secret… I was afraid of failing. So here goes……

I’m buying a guitar in the next month or so and I am going to try my damndest to learn how to play it. If I fail and someone thinks less of me because of it then screw them. I will give it my all and hopefully at least sound like I’m not a complet idiot after a few months.

My goal is to know how to play “The Man Who Sold The World” by Nirvana by my birthday. If I can manage to play “Be My Girl” by Jet, by that time too, then I will be completely ecstatic!

So that’s my last new years resolution. Any questions?

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
There’s just too many places I’ve got to see
For if I stayed here with you, now
Things just wouldn’t be the same

Well, 2006 has rolled around and I’m still not sure what it is I’m supposed to be changing. I had hoped that everything would suddenly be clear to me and I would start to turn my life in the right direction. But with this new year I find new confusion. I have things in my life I thought I would be leaving behind but obviously it’s not that easy.

For this new year I still have my old friends Justin and Nick whom I know will stick with me through the end. I also have a new friend Molly. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life still… I just know it has been 3.5 years since I graduated and my life has gone nowhere but down. I hope the new year brings better things for me and those I love.

So…. I kinda have some new years resolutions….

Stop biting my damn fingernails….

Drop my weight to 200 pounds, then bulk up somewhat.. but the 200 pound mark is the key

Find someone to share my life with… whether it be permanent or temporary.

Stop posting on my blog DRUNK, LIKE RIGHT NOW!

bye!

So many things that have happened to me lately, and it is all so confusing. Some good, some bad, but 90% of them leave me at a loss. Two years ago I was the happiest I had ever been, and a year ago that all went away. Today I look for hope at every turn, sometimes finding a faint light shimmering through the dark haze of life. I try to grasp this chance for hope but it always seems to fade.
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My best friend Justin Shattuck says “sleep is for the innocent.” I have been thinking about that lately, because I don’t sleep at all. I don’t remember having more than two nights of good sleep in the past month, and I have felt so out of it. Tonight I came home and after talking with Good Golly Miss Molly Crowe I passed out around 6PM and just woke up. I am hoping I can go back to sleep or else this will be just like my usual 4 or 5 hours of sleep I usually get.
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So I said not too long ago that I would not be posting any more whiney bullshit posts.

Yeah, well sometimes things just get you down ya know? Memories that I keep stuffed deep down sometimes surface and it makes my blood boil. Emotions start to run high and I feel like hitting the closest object that can feel pain. Sadly, most of my time in this world is spent alone… So that leaves me to beat myself up over the stupid petty bullshit mistakes that I have made that have cost me the most in my life. I hate acknowledging that I am at fault for the things that have gone wrong in my life but the truth is that I am.

Needless to say tonight is one of those nights when things surface. In my usual fashion, being the weak person that I am… I’m going to the bar to sort out the things I’m not strong enough to handle on my own, no matter how hard I try. So my hat is off to those of you who are happy and still able to live without regrets, because I used to have no regrets as well. Life goes to shit in a hurry sometimes, and it stays there for quite a while it seems. It’s been over a year for me. I’m starting to have a firm belief in the notion that all the times in my life that I went out of my way to help other people, or even just show someone that I care, might as well not have happened at all. It’s sad to look around and know that most people will crush anyone to benefit themself.

This is by no means a ‘holier than thou’ rant. I have my dark side too…
I just don’t act on it.
Does this make me any better than someone that does?
I don’t know.

discuss

Originally posted on my old blog on November 21st, 2005.

“Money can’t buy back
Your youth when you’re old
Or a friend when you’re lonely
Or a love that’s grown cold

The wealthiest person
Is a pauper at times
Compared to the man
With a satisfied mind

When my life has ended
And my time has run out
My friends and my loved ones
Will leave there’s no doubt

But one thing’s for certain
When it comes my time
I’ll leave this old world
With a satisfied mind.”

Well, It’s a new time in my life I guess you could say. Things are starting to change in my life, and mostly in my mind. In 2 days it will mark one year of being single… 363 days since I was smart enough to realize it, and a only a few weeks since I finally figured out that it was over. I hung on to something that wasn’t there for far too long, not realizing I wasn’t what someone wanted. I have changed somewhat in the past year: got weak, became stronger than before, had a revelation that will forever affect my life (although no one believes it), and made some promises to myself.
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