When my time comes
forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some
reasons to be missed.
Don’t resent me,
and when you’re feeling empty,
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside
you’ve learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.

I think there are times on your life when you realize things that make you take a step back and get a better view of your life. Call it stupid, but I did it yesterday and had to tell myself some things.

Sometimes I just go through my daily routine, never stopping to think about what I am really doing. I’m thousands of miles from home, doing something I NEVER thought I would see myself doing. I left behind my family, and the closest friends I have ever had in order to create a future for myself. And when I stop to think about it, it makes me sad. Although I know I made a good choice for myself, I hate missing what happens in the lives of those I love. I see my friends suffer from afar, knowing I can’t be there for them like I always was. I can’t watch their backs on those weekends at the bar… I can’t help them fix things on their vehicles or houses like I used to do.. And most of all, I can’t be their shoulder to cry on when they go through the toughest times in life.

I have to consider what this will do to me in the long run. I know I’m not the first person to do this. This is, however, the first time I have done this. Where will I be four years from now? Will I even be around four years from now? When I get deployed, will I be attached to infantry unit or will I be far from the enemy where I will never see the horrible realities of war? Will I return? Will I ever meet someone who will stick with me when I am gone for months on deployments… Someone who can handle the stresses of being a Marine Wife? All of these questions weigh heavily on my mind day in and day out. It may be morbid, but I know these are the realities of the life I chose for myself… And I must live with the consequences.

I don’t know what all this is for, but oh well.. it’s my blog, right? I know the friends I speak of know who they are. I have considered them my brothers for upwards of 14 years… And I hope they know I love them as my brothers. I hope my family will make it through my deployments with as little worry as possible. And I hope I make it through as well.

That’s it for now… I’m sure I’ll think of something else to write soon.

I know that I have 3 friends who will always be there for me, no matter what. They are willing to go the extra mile to take care of their friends. I have also learned that there are some things, and some people, that I have to leave in my past. But that’s the sad truth in life. Life is never going to go according to plan, and you can’t control how people feel… no matter how much you wish you could.

So I know that things will be different in my future, and when I return to Tulsa in July I won’t let myself fall back into my old habit of trying to win certain people over. It simply isn’t worth it. They will remain, forever, part of my past. But I will miss it dearly.

So now I get to go back and continue my training. I have a great group of Marines there with me and I know I am doing something good for my future. I just wish I more time here with my old friends. That is all.

That’s it really… I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you enjoy your time with your loved ones.

Monterey is AWESOME. It is by no means a large city, but it’s nice. I like that almost everything is small business in downtown Monterey. You have to travel outside to find a mall, target, borders, and stores like that. I am finding the bar scene to be much different from back home in Tulsa. There are a ton of British Pubs here, but I have yet to find an Irish Pub. The civilians around here seem to be indifferent to military personnel, which is nice. Sometimes the locals hate the military personnel stationed there for reasons I don’t know, but I can imagine it is related to our loud personalities.

I don’t have much to say really… My motorcycle will arrive next week so I will get to explore some of the area on my own. The Marines here are a real tight group. There aren’t many of us here, so we have to look out for each other a lot. This place is crawling with Army, Air Force, and Navy…. but the Corps makes up a very, very small portion of the population in comparison to the other branches. This is supposed to provide a good opportunity to hook up with Air Force chicks… but that resource has already been tapped (pardon the pun), seeing as they have the highest percentage of personnel with STD’s on base! I think I’ll have to focus my attention on the civilian population. I have well over a year here, so I better make the best of it.

I hope to have some friends come visit me some time in the next few months. It might be best to wait until the spring or summer so we can enjoy the beach and the other fun activities around here… but this place is fun even when cold. Anyways… I’m going to stop babbling now. I hope everyone is doing well back home… Miss you guys.

White kitchen walls with a thousand windows
you turn on Winston in the den
and I’m still asleep but I can hear the piano
when you make breakfast after 10
and I smell the coffee on your fingers
I still smell the perfume in the bed
the crushed linen roses on everything
and your still inside my head

you gotta make her know how it feels to miss you
let her know your swapping spit
you’re not the one with all the problems no no
she’s the one that’s full of shit

so just pick your head up boys and walk away
walk the coolest walk that you know
cause in a month or two she’ll call you
you gotta hang up the phone

Is it wrong of me to think this is funny?

Check out Postsecret if you don’t know what that picture is from.

I guess I just see relationships in the military as a lost cause for the most part. Sure, there are plenty that work, but a whole hell of a lot that don’t. Meh.

So, I go back Tuesday morning… I’m a little nervous, but mostly sad to be leaving my friends and family once again. I guess I should get used to leaving… but I really don’t want to. I haven’t accomplished everything I wanted to in my time at home, but I have done most of the things I wanted to. I got to see 90% of my friends I wanted to see, I went out with friends to a lot of our old hangouts… and I actually got way too drunk one night. As always there are mistakes and regrets, but I’m not too worried about that. I am really looking forward to getting to Monterey and starting over… I see it as a new challenge and, most of all, a new opportunity for me.